Dear Abhidharma: Gaining Wisdom for Life's Modern Challenges (2)

Life often presents us with complex challenges that can feel overwhelming. Whether it's relationship difficulties, family conflicts, or personal dilemmas, finding clear guidance is not always easy. For decades, the advice column Dear Abby has offered practical and compassionate responses that have helped people navigate life's challenges with greater confidence and clarity.

This RK USA version, written by Rev. Kris Ladusau, former Minister of Oklahoma, explores how the Buddha's wisdom remains just as relevant today and how its timeless principles can be applied to everyday situations. Drawn from the 2011 archives of the Sangha in Motion newsletter, these reflections offer Buddhist perspectives on common life concerns and encourage us to view our challenges through the lens of the Dharma.

Dear Abhidharma,

My eldest sister has not spoken to our mother in well over 5 years. At the time, my sister was not speaking to her son and refused to attend the birthday party for his 4-year-old daughter. She wanted Mom to boycott the party too, but she refused, so my sister stopped speaking to her, too. A few months later, my sister reconciled with her son, but to this day, she still will not speak to Mom or accept her letters or phone calls. Mom, who is 90, has a serious health issue. She refuses to get treatment because she says that the situation with my sister has destroyed her. She no longer wants to live. I know if my sister, who is aware of the situation, would just stop this nonsense, Mom would get treatment. Time is running out. What should I do? -So Worried

Dear So Worried,

Your family situation is a daily life example of “interconnectedness,” a very important component of the Buddha’s teachings. We see that all things are woven together – not just joy and positive interaction but also sadness and suffering, as in your family’s current case.

When giving Dharma Guidance, I can only address the suffering/discomfort of the person requesting the guidance. If other family members don’t request it, I don’t have the opportunity to interact with and guide them to ease their suffering. I am sorry - I know you are genuinely seeking resolution for your entire family.

My primary focus is to work with you to discover a way to release your discomfort around your family dynamics. First, I want to tell you that I can easily see your deep compassion for your family members and their suffering. That is your Buddha-Nature coming through. Compassion for ourselves and others is the gateway to liberation from the cycles of discontent we experience. When we are trapped in self-focused thought patterns and behaviors, we roll around in suffering that manifests from anger, greed, fighting, etc. And without open communication, deep understanding, and full knowledge, we are prone to creating stories in our minds simply because we are hurt and want justifications for our behavior toward others. I see this happening among your family members. I, too, join you in great compassion for how hard it must be for them every day.

Seeing a situation from a fresh perspective is a key point of the Buddhist Path.

It is often easy to see selfishness in others, but it is more difficult to spot it in ourselves. Yet, it is always found at the core of our discomfort. When my life is going well, but my friends or family members are behaving badly (of course I want everyone to be happy and to be free of the emotional rollercoaster), my selfishness becomes apparent to me when I think such things as, “If everyone would just get it together and make peace, I wouldn’t have to worry about this… I don’t want to go through this… It doesn’t have to be this way…”

All human beings long to have things the way WE want them. It is human nature. We can simply acknowledge this without ascribing blame or shame. There is no need for judgment. Both you and your family members just wish things were different from the way they are. All, wishing that things were “my way”… It can be humorous if we see the absurdity of it. (This is of course, a dispassionate view from above, looking down as the “observer”.)

As I look at my own life, I know that I cannot force others to change their thoughts and behavior; I can only change how I think and act. Knowing this, I choose to set a positive example with my own thoughts, words, and actions. I can be a bodhisattva every day of my life, available to serve others appropriately. Often, it is appropriate to just provide “deep listening” without offering solutions – letting them know that you truly hear what they are saying – without agreeing or disagreeing. When there are difficulties, I choose not to succumb to “drama,” but instead pray/chant/meditate and transfer the merit of those spiritual practices to those in suffering. Just as the ripples go out from a stone dropped in the water, my actions will go out with a positive influence. For us, finding peace within ourselves is the best path. 

I can see you doing this – I believe in you. Let go of all restricted thought – always move in a positive direction, and you will help more than you know.

Dear Abhidharma: Life's modern challenges by Rev. Kris Ladusau.